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Ryan, He claims to be a personal trainer now, which just means he posts a lot of gym selfies with inspirational quotes underneath. Or the mail room. His reasoning? You were coming on too strong. He lives in a cramped townhouse with five of his film school buddies, all of whom seem infinitely more interesting than your suburban Dollar Tree Ken doll. Or your surly coworker.
Or someone else similarly strange but somewhat close to you. Your first date: Drinks and a show at IO West. No one can ever know.
The breakup: You insult his favorite comedian, he uses your relationship for joke fodder in a performance. Things take a nasty left turn and you realize it was never meant to be -- no one man should own that many Star Wars vessel blueprint shirts from Target. Stefan, 33 Neighborhood: Arts District Almost entirely nocturnal, he lurks around Downtown, being photographed at events.
Or neither. Probably neither. Your first date: Drinks at the King Eddy Saloon where he tries to explain whiskey to you as though you are not an adult with a decent of hangovers under your belt. But honestly, what did you expect from an adult man who owns fingerless gloves in Los Angeles?
He went to his first Dodger game before he could even walk and barely even registers that tar pit smell that engulfs the Miracle Mile every day at noon. Your first date: Sandwiches and artisan ice cream at the Farmers Market. Chris, 27 Neighborhood: The most pee-soaked corner of Hollywood Originally from a small town in Illinois, he came to Los Angeles with astronomically high hopes and no ability to handle rejection.
Your first date: Happy hour at Sunset Trocadero. You immediately end things. Zach, 25 Neighborhood: Silverlake.
Or Venice. Or both. In the drive-thru you write a pseudo-spiritual breakup text about how your relationship has run its course and return to your life of moderation and semi-regular bowel movements. Devon Henry is a native Angeleno.
Part-time writer, full-time dinosaur, and a weekend swamp hag. Find her on Twitter at DevasaurusRex. And hopefully only once. The Failed Reality Star.
The Baby Exec. The Film Douche. The Improv Nerd. The Local. The Fish Out of Water.
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